The Nightmare in Elmwood 5k has been one of my favorite races on tour and the event is now in its 5^thyear. Proceeds go to benefit the Historic Elmwood Park Neighborhood, so the homeowners really go all out for this one in terms of decorations and crowd support. Major props to the house on Park and Chester with 50-100 disembodied mannequin heads. You understood the assignment.

What’ s great about this race is that it actually ENCOURAGES running cosplay, one of my favorite pastimes. There’s a costume contest and everything. Obviously, you don’t have to twist my arm to get in character, but with everyone dressing up, I really have to up my game for this one. I had opted for a Greek god and other highly runnable costumes in the first few years, but these ended up looking pretty lame, especially in comparison to the much more creative outfits out there. So, in 2024, I went ahead and went all in as Braveheart’s William Wallace, my all-time favorite. The next year I happened across the Luke Skywalker jedi-in-training with giant rubber Yoda in a backpack on Amazon. Probably a close second. But what to do this year? Planning started in early September and may or may not have involved exhaustive internet searches and assistance from friends. My running cosplay experience has taught me a few rules 1) LACK OF RUNNABILITY is actually better. See the giant turkey from the Shandon Thanksgiving race and also Heather Hawn’s giant inflatable green alien from Elmwood last year. 

2) WIGS  – I haven’t changed my hairstyle since 1981 so I definitely need something more dramatic. 3) ACCESSORIES– carrying something adds to the look. And we can’t forget #4) MAKEUP – the half blue face of the Braveheart outfit was particularly awesome. I finally decided on Captain Jack Sparrow, which easily checked all these boxes. Yes, I would have to learn how to apply mascara and eyeliner, but I figured it was worth it. Again, I wear the costumes for fun, because 50-year-old dudes don’t win costume contests. Damn those meddling cute kids.

Luckily the start time for this race is 10 am. I briefly flirted with racing the 8 am race at Finlay Park and double dipping, but I figured it would not be good to start as a sweaty mess for the costume prep. All I can say is, that was a good call. I was up early and sweating my balls off trying to arrange the multiple layers of this thing in the bathroom, which involved a full trenchcoat and sewed-in vest ensemble. I was making so much noise that the wife had to come in and assist. Not to mention the make up tips. I’m sure this is the wedded bliss Mary had in mind when she signed on in 1998. But it was finally a success, and I was off. I was acutely aware on the drive to the race that I probably should fill up on gas, but I decided that appearing in public and/or getting pulled over for any reason would involve a lot of explaining. I was pretty sure SC state troopers probably wouldn’t be kind to goth looking middle aged dudes with guyliner.

 

Thanks to all my prep, I was a little late to the race, and the place was absolutely packed. I tried to run a little to “warm-up” but I was already in full window-to-the-walls Lil’ Jon mode. Plus, can’t let my mascara run. I knew the costume was effective since people I knew for years were completely ignoring me. 

 

At some point, I strolled up to the line and realized I had no real strategy. This course is no joke. Yes, the middle part is a nice flat out and back, but Elmwood Park is a total roller coaster, and that last hill before the finish is brutal. After taking the obligatory start line selfie, I positioned myself to the right for maximum exposure for Julie’s camera. With the start, I waited a half second before pulling a prime era Marcus Lattimore move , captured in this absolute beauty of a race pic.

 

 

About 10 seconds later, I then realized the inconvenience of adhering to rules #1 and #3. The hat was simply not going to stay on and I had the pirate sword in my right hand, so I was going to be double-fisting accessories this whole time.  Ugh. I started off pretty slow, figuring this was a lost cause in the speed department. But after rolling through the Elmwood neighborhood, I tracked down my age group nemesis Michael Smyrl and the ridiculously competitive streak started coming alive. I was going to sweat through this thing no matter what my pace, so better get it done. At some point I felt like I was going pretty fast, but I wasn’t getting mile splits for some reason. After ¾ of a  mile in the neighborhood, there’s a quick out and back towards Elmwood cemetery and then another out and back to Finlay Park on the greenway before heading back. These are great sections because A) they are mostly flat and B) you get to see everyone else’s costume in the field. I wasn’t on the Finlay Park section long before Hunter Jarvis was already on his way back home. Dude was absolutely crushing it. I hit the turnaround in the park so hard that I lost multiple trenchcoat buttons. Apparently, these costumes were not meant for hardcore racing.

The way back was actually not too bad from a cardio perspective, though the heat in the jacket was insane. I needed all the cardio reserve for that last hill, which still about destroyed me. I rounded the last corner and saw the clock flip over to 23 minutes. I tried to set up another epic photo, but then lost my hat and had sweaty dreads in my face simultaneously. Probably not a keeper. I finished in 23:46 – good enough for 2^nd in AG! Not too shabby for the outfit and the course. As it turns out, I didn’t get mile splits because I must’ve hit the Garmin start button twice at the beginning, completely negating my run on Strava. I guess none of it counted.  Luckily Erin gives out multiple costume awards at this race, so I was able to score my popcorn prize… after about 5 kids.

In the overall, Hunter crushed the field in 16:23, with Micah Fossum 2^nd and Demetris McCray 3^rd. Ashley Graham took the women’s win with Sumpter Clark 2^nd and Hayden Hall 3^rd. Chris Branham, Jeffrey Cambell and Rob Yerger completed the male master’s podium, while Megan Newbold, Tamara Sheldon and Jodie Watson won on the women’s side.

Age group honor roll (female) – Addy Leonardi was 3^rd in the 15-19. Meg Hicks was 2^nd in the 25-29 as Jurassic Park’s Dr. Allan Grant. Meredith Frye was 2^nd in the 30-34. Lulu Clark won the 35-39 as the Mask. Lauren Duck and Ashleigh Carpenter went 1-2 in the 40-44. Ronda Sanders and Stefanie Hauser were 1^st and 3^rd in the 45-49. Rita Hipp was champ of the 50-54, with Sarah Mattern 3rd. Lynda Leonardi, Gabriella Swearingen and Bertha Woehl swept the 55-59. Renee McCormick won the 60-64. Helene Lipe was 1^st and Sandra Manning 3^rd in the 70-74. Martha Aultman was 3^rd in the 75+.

Age group honor roll (male) – Michael “THE V TRAIN” Visser won the 30-34 in a blazing 18:04 (as a banana). Tyler Darnell was 3^rd in the 35-39. Micah Simonsen destroyed the 45-49 in 20:28 as a giant pickle. Patrick McElderry won the 50-54 though had to share the podium with a heavy mascara-ed freak. Kevin Costell and Michael Beaudet went 1-2 in the 55-59. Philip Case and Joey Swearingen were the top 2 in the 60-64. Pete O’Boyle and Jerry Rich were tops in the 70-74, with Pete running a 25:26! Ron Hagell and Alex Ponomarev won the 75+

Other notable finishers; Michael Smyrl, Amanda Smyrl, Michael Gregory, Marcus Cunningham, Mary Kate Korpita, Sara Kozar, James Reap, Phil Smith, Bobby Leonardi, Todd Derrick, Wendy Homeyer, Kana Rahman, Sara Wilcox, Clara Beaudet, Jenny Schneider, Rick Massimo, Ryan Schaffer (injured, but still finished!), Missy Caughman, Deanna Rennick, Melinda Waldrop, Lorand Batten, Jerry Buchleitner, Hou-Yin Chang, Michelle Edmundson, Ron Lipe, Jim Manning, Dianne Freeman, Son Nguyen, Kerry Stubbs, Traci Smith, Heather Hawn, Ken Lowden, Margie Shelburg, Bridgette Honor and Hannah Clayton.